Author: FZadmin

Heart Check 1

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Heart Check

“We need to make friends with ourselves. We are stuck with our self all day, so let’s be kinder, gentler, more amusing company. Let’s take our own hand and say, ‘There, there, sister. You’re doing a good job. I’m proud of how you’re handling all this craziness down here. Don’t give up. Carry on, warrior.'” -Glennon Doyle Melton

How are you doing with that? 

As we move into the month of February, we will of course be talking love.  The world will throw it at you in the stores, in commercials, even while grocery shopping.  If you are in a good place, in a good relationship, you may appreciate the constant reminder of the beauty and fun of being in love.  But if your story, like so many others, has heart ache, loneliness, and sadness, this constant assault might weigh you down.  Even if you are in that good place mentioned above, the commercialism and cheapening of such a treasured emotion can be tiresome.

So, we’re going to talk about it.  We’re going to ask some hard questions.  Because you can’t truly love others until you love yourself.  You can’t truly love God and not love the way He made you. You can’t really be all that He has made you to be and gifted you to do, if you are looking to a broken world and hurting people to answer your hearts’ request for validation.

So today, the questions stands, as your read the quote above, how are you doing with that?  What are the words you are speaking to yourself.  Are they words of love and encouragement or voices of accusation and condemnation.  Are you your own cheerleader or are you more likely to be your own judge, jury and executioner.

Are you feeling a little attacked right now?  It’s ok, me too.  The truth is, I have spent too many hours being my own worst critic, too many hours regretting what I’ve done instead of celebrating who I am and most importantly whose I am.  Too many hours focusing on my failures instead of recognizing God’s glory in my life.   But today that changes.  This month I choose differently; every heart shaped thing that crosses my path will serve as a reminder of how much I am loved.  Every flower bouquet will serve as a reminder of all the gifts He has already given, and how many more He has planned for me.  Every jewelry commercial will serve as a reminder that He has already chosen me and that that is the only validation that matters.  And every stuffed animal from Teddy Bears to Lobsters (yes, that’s a Friends reference) will serve as a reminder that He cares about the tender places of my heart.  

This year I choose to take another step in believing the truths He has spoken about me.  I choose to tell the old lies of diminishment and disqualification that they have no place here.  This year I choose to walk a little closer to Jesus and and ask that His words, His truths be the loudest things in my life.  Will you join me?

 

 

Do you every think God gets sad, like “What do you mean you don’t love yourself, I worked so hard on you.”

Fruit Salad

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You shall know them by their fruit

As we wrap up a month of reflections this scripture lingers over me.   We’ve reflected on 2020 and the unexpected challenges it brought and continues to bring.  We reflected on offering hope and peace to a hurting world.  We reflected on the people who have impacted our stories and how we impact others.  And we reflected on the ways God awakens our hearts, inspires us, grows us, calls us to find balance.

And today, He calls me to Galatians, where I am reminded “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” and I am asked to take a look at how I am doing in these areas.”

The truth is that that answer changes daily and by circumstance.  It shouldn’t.  If I stand firmly in the knowledge God is good, and God is still on the throne, and God has a plan for my life, and all the other truths that we as Christians profess, then no matter what is happening in my home, my church, my country, or my world, I should see the fruit of the Spirit regardless of circumstances. 

And sometimes I do.  And sometimes I do not.  I am still broken, but I am less broken today than yesterday.  I am still wounded, but I am less wounded than yesterday.  I produce fruit that doesn’t make the list; judgement, criticism, shame, anger, frustration, but I produce less today than yesterday.  

Today, as I reflect on a life of walking with Jesus, that is the win.  Every year, I pray I am less of me and more of Him.  I pray the same for you.  That we would trade hate for love, sadness for joy, anxiety for peace,  striving for patience, judgement for kindness, evil for good, distraction for devotion, harshness for gentleness, and gratification for self control, and that each step we take in growing to be more like Jesus, we are able to share His fruits with a hurting world.  A giant fruit salad if you will,  for all of us to enjoy together.

 

Foundation Builders

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Seen & Unseen

My former Pastor died unexpectedly. 

Shortly before Christmas.

Admittedly, I hadn’t seen him or heard from him in over 20 years.  My oldest child was a newborn when we last visited him, from our home in Washington State, at his church in Idaho.  Not the church he pastored when I met him in California, we had both moved on.  After that, we moved on again.  My husband and I to Alaska, where a new career and eventually another child awaited, then eventually to Colorado where almost 20 years passed and two more children were added to our family.  I don’t know exactly what he did next or where he went.

But in December of 2020, a facebook friend notified me of his passing and my heart felt the loss.  I was 13 when I visited this small church in the outer Bay Area of California.  It was at this small community church in California, that I bumped into Jesus for the first time.  I experienced Him first over the course of several months in youth group, where this amazing group of leaders and students loved me, poured life into me, and spoke truth.  And then on a Sunday morning in November, just one week shy of my 14th birthday, I walked into church, a little afraid of what to expect, and heard my first message of Jesus’ love for us and an invitation to salvation.  If you were in church world in the 80’s & 90’s these words will echo in your memory, but “with every head bowed and every eye closed,” I raised my hand for salvation.

I didn’t know what I was doing.  I didn’t yet truly understand the gift I was accepting or how it would radically change my life, but these people had something, were a part of something, and I wanted what they had and so I said yes.  Over the next 30+ years I have said yes hundreds, probably thousands of times, to where Jesus was leading me next, sometimes excitedly, sometimes fearfully, sometimes reluctantly, but all those yeses have lead to a life filled with Jesus and it all began with that first one.

As I‘ve spent the last weeks remembering the life he lived, the impact that life had on my own, reminiscing with people I haven’t seen in all this time, I’ve realized that despite all the places we’ve been sharing the impact he had on us, there is no way to capture it all in one list, one post, one paragraph (or even one blog post).  I still use some of his stories today when talking to people about Jesus.  I still share his lessons when speaking to others.  I still make my own life choices based on the foundations he laid so many years ago.  So much of how I see and experience Jesus has roots in the image he painted.  My heart for churches and ministries and communities is so much based on the amazing community he built his church around.  Everything I have learned and grown in in the years since moving on from that church has been planted in the soil he first cultivated.  And of course, he wasn’t alone.  There were so many people speaking into my life in those days. 

 

And I suspect he didn’t know.  I was a teenager back then, with no insight into the mental workings of pastors and church leaders.  In the years since then I’ve spent a lot of time working for people like him,  with people like him, I’m pretty sure I’ve been people like him.  Filled with all the dreams and vision that God can give, but also filled with the knowledge of my own shortcomings, my own failures, my own impatience.  Dealing with the highs and lows of church life, the moments of amazing abundance and the seasons of drought, the power of amazing faith and the devastation of loss.  I don’t know most of the last 25 years of his story, but he was always very open about his story as long as I knew him.  He was a man not afraid to learn, a man who loved community and reaching the unchurched, a man who made mistakes and owned them, a man who loved his family thru hard times.  He was a man who taught us how to trust Jesus with everything, willing to risk it himself in doing so.  He taught me how to say “Jesus you are welcome here” and then deal with whatever Jesus chose to do.  And because of who he was, what he inspired in others, I have spent my entire adult life in service to the church.  As a volunteer, as a staff member, and in supporting ministries, and in return, although sometimes I’m also not very good a taking stock in my life, I know I have taught countless others to do the same.  My children now, as they have entered or are nearing adulthood, share those same values, to love and to serve and to follow Jesus.  So many people have spoken into all of us over the years, and Jesus has opened doors for us to speak into others the same way, but my path, my faith story, begins in a little community church and a man named Larry.

I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to thank him.  I pray I learn from that and thank others regularly.  I pray that the people that have impact on my life know it.  But I also thank God, that there are so many things we do, every day, that are prepping the soil for another life to grow with Jesus and we may never know.  But our world is always one of the seen and the unseen.  At least for now.  So today, as I move forward, I will choose to celebrate the victories I see, and trust God with those I cannot and I pray the same for you. 

 

Vacation Reflections

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Wonder, Adventure, Rest

This week my family is going on a mini-vacation.  2020 caused the cancellation of many of our plans which resulted in airline vouchers that needed to be used.  So rather impulsively we planned a 5 day get away to Florida, and then Christmas delivered a couple of days of park passes. This long weekend getaway also happens to coincide with our youngest’ birthday, and so we will celebrate and relax and have a little adventure too.  I love vacations, I love sunshine, and I especially love relaxed time away from the daily to-do list at home. 

As January is often a time of reflection, I am also reflecting on family vacations.  They’ve changed over the years.  When the kids were little, it was about sleeping in, seeing the world through their eyes, sharing the daily needs of young children with my husband.  As they grew it was about adventure, matching their energy as we explored new things, seeing, experiencing, and doing as much as we could.  And now that they are older, it’s a chance for all of us to be together for more than a few hours at a time.  It’s watching my adult children become kids again as they wrestle with their siblings, it’s random conversations and laughter, it’s a little adventure, a lot of connection, and time to rest and recharge.  We used to come back from vacations exhausted, needing a vacation from our vacation, that’s less true now.  We are learning.  We are learning to balance work and play, adventure and rest, joy and peace.

I reflect on this and my journey with Jesus.  My journey with Jesus looks a lot like our family vacations.  In the early years I saw a new world with awe and wonder, soaked up learning like a sponge, spent every available moment being fed and nurtured and exploring this new life.  Then came the busy years, the years of serving and striving.  Learning more, doing more, being better, working harder, being needed, and being tired.  Then the seasons of understanding, of being present in the moment, of resting in Jesus, and of healing.  And just like the dynamics of our family vacations, I am learning.  I am learning to walk in the balance.  Learning to see a world of awe & wonder, learning to chase the heart of God and whatever adventure He is leading me to, learning to stop and rest in Him and allow Him to recharge me.  I am learning to balance work and play, adventure and rest, joy and peace.

A friend once told me that he strives to live the kind of life he doesn’t need a vacation from.  I appreciate the sentiment and wisdom of his words.  I would also like to find that balance, to not need a vacation from my life, but that doesn’t rule out taking a vacation.  I don’t need to escape my life as much as I want a new perspective.  To see thru eyes of wonder, to listen with an undistracted heart, to experience without the time constraints of our daily schedule.  And Jesus knows that.  He knows how time away draws me to see Him differently.  He knows what the laughter of my kids does to my heart, He knows what floating in warm water does for my soul.  And He continues to gift us these unplanned getaways, these moments set apart, because He knows and understands me and He also continues to teach me more about Him and more about me every time.

How are you doing in this area?  Are you living a life you don’t need a vacation from?  Where does God take you to reawaken awe and wonder?  Where does He call you to adventure?  Where does he take you to rest?  How are you doing in the balance?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Choosing Peace

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It’s All About Choices…

Welcome 2021.  We are five days into the New Year, and although not much has changed in the world around us in those five days, there does seem to be a refreshing in the air.  Fresh starts have a way of bringing hope to any situation.  New perspectives can offer joy and lead to healing.

I started off this month with a study on peace, it’s been good.  Real good.  While there are great scriptures and promises of God’s provision, most of which we all know and recite, there is a theme emerging.  Peace is a choice.

That feels contradictory to most of my experiences, but I still find it to be true. The antithesis of peace is worry, fear, anxiety, tension, anger.  In almost every situation where I lack peace, I have clung to these emotions.  I have worried about money, I have feared for health and safety, I have been anxious for and about my children, I have been angry with people with whom I have unresolved conflict.  In everyone one of those scenarios I have chosen, at least for a time, to live in the emotions that directly impair my ability to live in peace.

But every day I get to choose again.  I choose to trust God or to worry.  I choose to know He is the great provider or I choose to hustle and strive.  I choose to know He is the ultimate healer or I choose to spiral and fear.  I choose to believe that He loves my children even more than I do and He has a plan for them or I choose to control and manipulate.  I choose to forgive those who have hurt me and when needed walk into the restorative conversations that those relationships require, or I choose to be angry, hurtful or avoiding.  But I do have to choose and sometimes I have to choose over and over again.  If I allow my emotions to dictate my behavior that is also a choice.  I can choose to dwell on all the possible negative things, or I can choose to follow, trust, and believe God.

 

Today, I choose to choose with intentionality.  To choose God.  To choose truth.  That seems so obvious, as believers we have all chosen those things at one time or another, and yet sometimes we forget… I forget. 

So today I choose.

I choose peace.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – John 14:27

 

Heart Check

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Examining our Heart

“The day after Christmas is usually a bit of a let-down. The guests have gone home, no one has started back to the office, the trees are bare and there’s a quiet that settles in. Before the next distraction begins, there’s an opportunity. In the space that’s in between marked by one end and the next beginning, there’s a chance to take a deep breath and to ask yourself some questions.
There’s an old practice in the church adapted from St. Ignatius called an Examen. Like a good folk song, there are lots of versions circulating out there about just how to go about an Examen. In brief, the idea is that you would spend a few minutes at the end of the day to become aware of God’s presence.  Reflect on the day, you can remember on the times you felt close to God, or times you felt especially distant. In a few lines, express your need for grace, and offer up a word of gratitude.”  -Sandra McCracken, Christmas (Devotional on YouVersion)

I’ve mentioned before that I do a daily devotional with some friends.  This is an excerpt from our last one.  If you read our Thanksgiving posts, you may remember that I’ve been sharing a daily post with a friend of three things I am grateful for.  Thanksgiving ended, but our posts have kept going, we’re just finishing up month two.  As I read this post this week, I was intrigued and decided to do a bit more research.  While there are many resources, I found this very simple list.  It’s meant to be a daily activity, and I think I would like to try to do that myself, pair it up with my gratefulness list.  I like to start with simple goals, so my goal right now, is to put this into practice these last few days of 2020 and in the early weeks of 2021.  

Facebook likes to remind me of old posts, and over the last few days many memories of  New Year 2020 have been showing up.  I think it’s safe to say 2020 was not at all what we expected, any of us.  But as I look back on 2020, as I reflect in the silence; yes there was loss, yes there were and are hard decisions and choices, yes, the world as we knew it changed, but I still have so much to be grateful for.  In 2020 I looked to see what God would bring in the New Year, this year I reflect and am grateful for all that I have.

As we usher in a new year, put an end to the old one, as we look to find hope and joy in the new, as we leave behind the challenges of the last, will you join me in exploring a daily Examen?  Whether you commit to a one-day year-end exercise or try it out for a week, a month, or even a year, I believe Jesus has something for me and He has something for you too.

 

5 Step Daily Examen

01

Become Aware Of God’s Presence

For me this requires getting quiet.  I am often carried away by distractions and noise around me.  Silencing the world around me, and intentionally sitting with God.

02

Review The Day With Gratitude

This is where my current 3 things to be grateful for fit in.  It’s amazing how many small things there are to be grateful for in a day.  So often we miss this.

03

Pay Attention To Your Emotions

Years ago, I experienced the value of naming my emotions.  It’s not always important to know why we feel something, but determining if we are angry or sad, scared or tender, happy or excited can help us in both honoring our emotions and feelings, and moving out of them.

04

Chose One Feature Of The Day And Pray From It

There are so many things in my day that occur that I think I should pray about, but if I don’t stop in the moment, they will often slip my mind.  I love the idea of bringing those things back into focus.

05

Look Toward Tomorrow

I love this.  I also don’t think I do this enough.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the right now.  But tomorrow is coming, and a new hope is waiting.

 

Gifts

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Merry Christmas

Christmas is only a few days away, and although this year is different in so many ways, there are also so many things that are the same.  The last minute errands, gift wrapping, decorating, meal planning are all still happening, churches everywhere are busy wrapping up their Christmas service planning, rehearsals or recordings, and families are traveling or staying home to spend Christmas with their loved ones.

No matter how this year has changed or challenged us, the constant that is true for all of us, is that in just a few days we are going to be celebrating Jesus’ Birthday and the beautiful story that began that night.

In our family this season is full of Birthdays and Holidays.  Beginning mid-November and culminating in mid January, our family of six celebrates Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and five birthdays.  Gift giving plays a significant role in this season, in our planning, and certainly in our pocket books.  This year, I’ve been reflecting more than usual about the gift that Jesus gave us and how we celebrate his Birthday.  

I’ve reached the stage in life, where I don’t really want more stuff.  Everyone wants me to give them a Christmas list, and I don’t have one.  I want to do things, go places, make memories.  Of course this isn’t the ideal year for that, but I’m willing to modify.  I’m enjoying game nights with my family more that opening a present.  Sitting at the dinner table together, more than a new knick-knack or cooking gadget.  And somewhere in my mental wonderings, the little drummer boy has come to mind.

Growing up, this wasn’t one of my favorite Christmas songs.  Not sure why, but I just didn’t love it, and then… a few years ago, we did this song in Christmas Eve services at my church, and in the amazing display of lights and sound, I watched 4 drummers drum their hearts out during this song.  Individually, in drum solo’s and then together, and my heart beat with them.

For the first time the words of the song and the meaning connected with my heart.  That’s ultimately what it’s really all about.  God’s gift to us was so incredible that there is nothing I could offer that would be fit for a King, but I’ll bring everything  I am, every talent I have, and lay it at His feet.  I want to pour myself out for Him, the way these drummers poured everything they had into beating those drums. 

So, that is my prayer this week, and I challenge you to join me in it.  God, show me how to offer everything I have and everything I am to you.  Show me where to pour it all out to honor you.  And in the season of gift giving, Jesus, help me to remember, that you have already given us the only gift that every really mattered.

“I played my drum for him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for him
Pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum
Then he smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum”

 

Unexpected

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Christmas is Coming

10 days to go.  How are you feeling?.  Excited, filled with anticipations,  happy? Or stressed, overwhelmed, and tired?

We’ve talked a lot this year about the challenges we all face, the changes we have had to make, the loss of the the way things were, or the way we wanted them to be.

Now, as we walk (or run) those last 10 days towards Christmas, it seems like a good moment to reflect and ask God what He is doing this year.

 

Unexpected

I’ve been doing a reading plan with a couple of friends called “Journey to the Manger.”  I have loved the reminder of the intentionality with which God sent His son to us.  This year, what has captured my attention in a new way, is the unexpected way God chose to act.  The unlikely family, the unlikely location, the unlikely timing.  God ushered in a new kingdom and a new King, in a completely unexpected way, and most people missed it.

 

Eyes to SEe

I don’t want to miss it.  I don’t want to miss Him.  In this crazy year, I don’t want to be so focused on what is not that I miss what God is doing.

So this week, my prayer for myself, and for you, is simply that God would give us His eyes to see. 

To see circumstances and people, change and loss, challenges and expectations through His eyes.  That in doing so, we find Him, we find Hope, and we don’t miss it.

So this week, my prayer for myself, and for you, is simply that God would give us His eyes to see.  To see circumstances and people, change and loss, challenges and expectations through His eyes.  That in doing so, we find Him, we find Hope, and we don’t miss it.

 

 

Whispering

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Christmas is Coming

With Christmas only two weeks away in a year of challenges and new normals, I just wanted to take a moment to silence the noise, and refocus on the celebration of this season.  We found this poem last year, and used it in our Christmas cards.  Last year my heart was focused on not losing sight of Jesus in the busyness of the season, this year that focus is a little different.  This year my focus is on the hope that Jesus offers.  It is because of who He is and who He says we are, that we can find hope in the midst of a hopeless world.

Our God is not quarantined.  Our God is not limited by social restrictions. Our God is not in fear of a virus, or disillusioned by politics, or uncertain of the future.  This Christmas, it is my prayer that we can find God in all the changes, all the loss, all the uncertainty.  When we find Him, we will also find all the things He came to bring.  We will find hope.  We will find joy.  We will find love. We will find peace.

The same God who spoke the world into existence, who healed the sick and raised the dead, who parted the sea and dried up the flood is still on the throne.  The same God who spared his son to come to earth, to live among us, to give His life so we could live, is still working in our lives and story.  This Christmas I want to remember and celebrate this amazing gift, this amazing love, and not allow the circumstances of the year to steal one ounce of its beauty, wonder and glory. 

 

If you look for me at Christmas,
You won’t need a special star.
I’m no longer just in Bethlehem,
I’m right there where you are.
You may not be aware of Me,
Amid the celebrations.
You’ll have to look beyond the stores,
And all the decorations.
But if you take a moment,
From your list of things to do,
And listen to your heart, you’ll find
I’m waiting there for you.
You’re the one I want to be with,
You’re the reason that I came.
And you’ll find Me in the stillness,
As I’m whispering your name.

He’s calling my name.  He’s calling yours too.  Will you take a moment and find Him in the stillness this season?

 

A Thrill of Hope

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“A Thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

 

If ever a song spoke to and of my soul, it would be this line, this year.  It has definitely been one of those years.  Even more it has been one of those years for everyone, everywhere, worldwide.  I can’t think of another time in my lifetime that the entire world felt the isolation, loneliness, exhaustion, of this year.  I know there have been others; world wars, plagues, disease, but in my lifetime this is a first.  A full year of battle.  Battling disease, battling income loss, battling isolation, battling technology.  We are indeed a weary world.  But as women in ministry, as believers, that is not where our story ends.  There is a thrill of hope, our God is still on the thrown, our God is still working, our God is still moving.

As we move in this season between Thanksgiving and Christmas, headed daily towards the celebration of Christ’s birth, I pray that we are filled with the thrill of hope.  May we find the beauty in the unexpected, the miracle in the every day, the wins in a season of losses. May we find freedom in the inability to plan, appreciation of the simple things, and quality connection in our smaller circles. 

I pray my heart, and yours, grows daily in its ability to rejoice, to see the new and glorious that God is giving us, to worship and sing and pray and celebrate with a hope for all that has been, all that is now, and all that is yet to be.

 

 

“He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger! Behold your King.”