Author: FZadmin

In The Moment

Posted on by FZadmin

 Division

It’s back to school season for the mom’s out there.  Here in Colorado it’s also back to church season.  The beautiful weather in the summer beckons us to be outside and usually with the return to the rhythm of school, the church rhythm is found again too.  For women serving in churches this can be a very busy season as new home/school schedules emerge, new groups and programs are launched, and honestly in just a few short months we’ll be full steam into the holiday season.

This quote showed up in my social media this morning, and got me thinking and reflecting…

My brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become.

Eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me

I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends, they never speak to one another

Instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always say the same thing: “This is all your fault.”

On Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future. They blame each other for the state of my life.  There’s been a lot of yelling and crying. 

So, lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gut who serves as my unofficial therapist most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chair that’s always open for me and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up.

Last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head I nodded I said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore, “my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday, while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,” I lamented. My gut squeezed my hand. “I just can’t live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,”

I sighed, my gut smiled and said:  “in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while.” I was confused, the look on my face gave it away “if you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future, your lungs are the perfect place for you. There is no yesterday in your lungs, there is no tomorrow there either,

there is only now, there is only inhale

there is only exhale, there is only this moment

there is only breath, 

and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out.”

This morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves and while my heart was staring at old photographs, I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs.

Before I could even knock, she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said. “what took you so long?”

~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)

 

 

Working Together

My youngest child started High School today. She’s the youngest of four, we’ve done this before.  I know that the next four years are going to fly by and my heart is a little tender and also excited.  It’s the beginning of the end, of a season with kids at home that has lasted 24 years (with 4 more to go).  It’s also the beginning of  a new season which promises freedoms, and maybe sleep, and plans which felt elusive and distant for the last 24 years. 

As I swirl in the emotions; pride, joy, hope, sadness, fear, loss, expectation, I become increasingly aware that each of the feelings lives somewhere in my body.  The fear and control live in my brain, as it plans and worries about the future, the hope and joy and sadness all live in my heart as the pulse quickens with  joy and hurts in sadness.  Stress and worry rest in my neck and shoulders.  Pride and expectation and loss all hangout in my gut as I alternately feel my stomaching dropping or quieting as I reflect on this stage.

But today, right now, this moment, lives in my lungs.  One breath at a time.  One moment at a time.  One experience at a time.

There was a time when various parts of my body, sought divorce, or at least separation from each other.  Much like in the quote, my mind and heart were often at odds with each other.  Sometime I just couldn’t find the doorway to my lungs or find the time to visit.  Sometimes my gut overruled everything else, and sometimes it was mysteriously silent.  But my body is not divorced.  It is sharing space and working together.  Jesus is molding and guiding me on seeing and honoring each emotion, each experience, and then laying them at His feet.

This month, as we establish our new rhythm, It is my prayer for all of us that we would walk in the balance between head and heart, gut and shoulders, and that we remember to prioritize our time with our lungs.  Our time breathing in and breathing out.  Our time being in the moment.  Experience now.  Learn now.  Reflect now.  See Jesus now.  Tomorrow will come with it’s own worries, lets not lose today.  

 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matt 6:34

 

Dusty Corners

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seeingthe mess

I’ve mentioned before that I do a daily devotional with a few friends.  This week’s topic has been healing hurts.  In the study a few days ago, there was a comparison made to spring cleaning and clearing out the remnant protective behaviors we tend to wrap ourselves in when we are hurting. 

It was interesting timing (I won’t say coincidental,  usually God’s nudges aren’t coincidental).  I had just started the process of deep cleaning our bedroom.  Through a combination of a general dislike of cleaning and the total flip to anything resembling a normal routine during the last year and a half, it was way past due.

That’s not to say we hadn’t cleaned it at all over the last 18 months, just not really.  We had cleaned “at it.”  Moved things around, organized a pile into another pile, taken out obvious garbage, but there was so much that hadn’t been dealt with.                       As I proceeded to move furniture to really get under it, take down curtain rods with an incredible amount of dust piled on top of them, and generally dive into the corners and crevices of my bedroom, the comparison of the devotional came to mind.  There were remnants of dirt and debris in my bedroom, what about remnants of hurt and unforgiveness in my heart?

deep cleaning

Taking a hard look at my heart, I had to realize the same was true.  Over the course of the last two years, I have cleaned “at it” but maybe not deep cleaned.  I had thrown some obvious resentment and hurt out, but had often just reshuffled and re-piled the junk I didn’t want to deal with.  Hurts had settled like dust in the hard to reach places, unforgiveness got swept under the furniture, not obviously visible, but still enough to impact the air quality of the space.

   As I cleaned my room and found myself looking at things I was pretty sure I had previously evicted from this space, I realized, there are things camping out in my heart that I had also previously removed.  But just as the objects in my home, if not removed completely, have a way of turning back up, so had my hurts and fears.  As I finished deep cleaning my room, dusting all the hidden corners, taking out garbage, cleaning the windows, and filling bags to donate, I am left with one tub of items that I’m not sure what to do with.  Donate, sell, garbage.  It’s that tub of miscellaneous stuff that I know I don’t need any more, but at one point had value and it seems a shame to just throw it away, and so even now, as the rest of my room has been cleaned, it sits in a corner. 

 

Clearing out the Junk

::::::::::::::::::::::::

I acknowledge I still have some work to do.  How about you?  I have spoken forgiveness, I have given hurts and disappointments to God, I have cleaned at my heart.  But it’s been a while since I deep cleaned.  Since I moved all the furniture and climbed up the hard to reach places.  It’s been a while since I truly looked into the corners I didn’t want to look into, and somewhere in the mess, I know there is a tub of  things I haven’t gotten rid of yet.  The things I know I don’t need anymore, the things God has already replaced with newer and better, and yet because they once had value, I am struggling to let them go.

So this week, I commit to finishing my deep clean.  Both in my bedroom and in my heart.  I’ll walk with Jesus into dark and scary corners, and I’ll hand over the tub of things and trust that He knows what to do with them.  I’ll speak forgiveness again over the events and people who have found their way back into this space and I will not shuffle around piles, but rather tackle them head on.

How about you?  Will you join me?   I know it’s not easy, there are parts that feel so hard, and yet I know it’s worth it.  Here’s to brighter spaces and better air quality for all of us.

Setback Setup

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Setback or Set-Up?

Ever thought you knew exactly where God wanted you or what He wanted you to do, but things just didn’t work out?  Of course you have.  This is often the story of ministry and serving God.  Too many times to count, I have found myself at the end of a path (or at least what looked like the end) with the words “… but God!  I thought I was where I was supposed to be.  I thought this is what you wanted from me.  I thought you were in this.”  And in that moment the voice of accusation comes, the voice of the enemy.  “Who do you think you are?  You are the problem not the solution.  Like God would really choose you!”  and so may others not worth repeating.  And in the pain and silence of the moment, in the quiet desperation of feeling lost, we have a choice.  We can give up and give in or we continue to lean on God for further understanding.

You see, in my story, and in yours as well, our perception of the moment is not always accurate, more likely it is rarely accurate.  What looks like the end, may actually be the precipice of something new, something supernatural, something amazing.  Recently I heard a speaker say “Every advance in the Kingdom of God was precipitated by a setback.  It’s not a setback, it’s a set-up.”  WOW!

You don’t have to look very far in the story of God to find examples of this, but one of the most obvious ones would be the story of Joseph.  From being sold into slavery by his brothers to being the 2nd in command of Egypt, there were an awful lot of setbacks along the way, but each one led to the next big step forward.

This is true in my story and in yours too. 

If you’ve recently reached a next step after a hard season I would love to celebrate you.  Way to run the race, stay in the fight, exercise your faith, and lean into God.  Your life, your ministry, your calling, your purpose will be better for it and you are taking the next step in the living the life God has for you. Great job!

If you are currently nearing the end of path that looks like it’s a dead end, and you fear you may have missed the mark, can I say this:  Way to run the race, stay in the fight, exercise your faith, and lean into God.  Your life, your ministry, your calling, your purpose will be better for it and you are taking the next step in the living the life God has for you. Great job!

How can I say the same thing?  Because it’s true in both cases.  Your journey isn’t over and what feels like a setback right now will not end that way.  Your job is to lean into Jesus and move, He will take care of the rest.  He is a God that makes a makes a way when there is no way, trades beauty for ashes, has plans to prosper you and not to harm you… EVERY TIME!

 

 

 

A LOOK AT JOSEPH – SET BACKS

  • HATED BY HIS BROTHERS
  • THROWN INTO A PIT
  • SOLD INTO SLAVERY
  • FALSLY ACCUSED
  • IMPRISONED
  • FORGOTTEN

A LOOK AT JOSEPH – SET UPS

  • BELOVED SON
  • REWARDED SERVANT
  • FAVORED PRISONER
  • WISE INTERPRETER
  • POWERFUL LEADER
  • RESTORED FAMILY

Friends, I know the joy in victory and the pain and fear in the face of possible failure.  I am currently fighting the fight to keep my eyes on the promises of God in an area that feels like a path headed directly for a wall, but despite my emotions and distractions, the evidence of my life and experience with Jesus causes me to KNOW that when I reach that wall, He will make a way – through it, over it, around it, or He will just move it.  I choose to praise Him for the work He has planned, even when I can’t see it, will you join me?

Great Faith

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REVISITING OUR BELIEFS ABOUT FEAR AND ANXIETY.

I have struggled with anxiety most of my adult life.  It didn’t start until my first child was born, but in those early years it was the constant voice in my head.  The what-ifs were loud and unrelenting, leading to lack of sleep, constant worry, and a diagnosed stress ulcer at the age of 24.

When I first began mentioning my anxiety to a group of women I was in a study with, they initially assured me that this was a normal “new mom” experience, but as the weeks passed and our relationship grew, I began to unpack more of what this looked like in my world.  It quickly became evident that the length and depth of my  fear and anxiety episodes (can they really be called episodes when they happen all day every day) were significantly more that the other “new mom anxiety” experiences of my group and we prayed together for wisdom, healing and faith.

We moved shortly afterwards, and on my own in a new city/state, I had to walk the path of trusting God with things I couldn’t control.  Turning all the unknowns and the fears over to Him, praying to quiet my fears, asking Jesus to heal my heart.  It was a regular exercise and healing did come!

As the years passed, my moments of extreme anxiety grew further and further apart, and my assessment would have been that I replaced fear with faith.

So I spent years telling myself that when anxiety surfaced I was lacking faith.  But as I grew and matured in my walk with Jesus it wasn’t always that simple. 

Despite the years of steadily growing faith, the kind of faith that is formed in seeing God show up over and over again, the kind of faith that is forged in the fire, when God steps in and walks through it with us instead of just removing it, seasons of significant change and unknowns still cause my anxiety to surface.  I then I recently heard this…

“If you struggle with anxiety, you actually have capacity for deep faith – it’s just pointed in the wrong direction.”

Read that again. 

You see, faith is believing the unseen.  Fear and anxiety are also caused by believing the unseen.  The difference is which kingdom we are focused on. My prayer and surrender to God in my anxiety aren’t about growing my faith, they are about refocusing my attention.  I didn’t lose faith, I lost focus.

Friends, if you struggle with fear and anxiety and somewhere along the way you have either decided yourself or have been told that you lack faith, can I offer some truth?  You have capacity for great faith, you are not lacking in ability or belief.  Spend some time with Jesus, offer Him the things you are clinging to.  Can you see the kingdom of God in your circumstances? Ask Him to help you refocus.    

You are a Woman of Great Faith.

Refining

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Refining

Change can be exciting, it can be challenging, and sometimes it just hurts.  Too many times in ministry, the hurt from change is pushed down or hidden as it feels like a shameful reaction.  We assume that we are just reluctant to change and stuck in our ways, or that we lack faith, or that we aren’t on board.  Sometimes that is true, sometimes it is not.

Regardless of where the hurt comes from, it still deserves to be acknowledged and honored.  If, in a season of change, you experience loss, it is possible to be on board with change but still grieve the loss.  Grief is not selfish or bad, what we do with it is a different story.

Several years ago, God began to take me down a path of significant change.  I didn’t know it yet, but He was leading me away from a ministry and a position that I loved to a new opportunity.  I wasn’t looking for a new opportunity, and so many things began to change and shift in my current situation that I felt incredible loss and grief.  Even when it became clear that God was opening a new door, I resisted and tried to get on board with all the changes around me.  I started wondering if I was really just stuck in my ways, or if I had done something wrong to cause this constant feeling of loss.  When I finally chose to walk through the door God offered, I admit, I was excited for what could be, but was still very much grieving what I was walking away from. 

I wish I had honored that feeling more.  Instead it felt like a lack of faith in His new promises to talk about the loss.  It felt disloyal and “not on mission” with my new ministry to feel sad about leaving the old.  As I silenced the grief of the loss, I began to replace it with reasons and justification, and before I even knew what was happening, anger and resentment for the changes that led to my leaving had taken the place of grief.  I felt torn, I was excited about the new opportunity and ministry I had been given but I was also angry and hurt by the loss of the old.  And then I heard this….

The last thing to burn out of Gold in the refining process is silver.  God is burning out the good to get to the great.

Let that sink in.

When gold is refined in fire all the impurities are burned up.  The dirt and rocks and stone are fairly easy to remove.  Later the other minerals and metals are burned up.  But the hardest, hottest part of the refining process is the removal of silver.  And silver is beautiful.  It is also precious.  On its own it has its own worth and value.  There is a time a place for silver.  But God is always changing us, always refining us. 

It turns out I was in the refiner’s fire, and it was hot and it hurt and I was clinging on to precious silver, and it was time to let go.  I wish I had done it a little more gracefully.  It took a while, and I probably forced the fire to burn hotter than it needed to (and suffered a few extra burns along the way) but I finally realized the truth.  God had traded me gold for silver.  The silver is still beautiful, it has purpose, it has worth. I can look back and appreciate it, but gold it what He calls us to.

If you find yourself in the the midst of painful changes, I pray you stop and look closer.  If you are experiencing loss, I pray you honor it and grieve it well.  And in the midst of the fire, the heat and yes, the pain, I pray you see the gold that God is offering you in exchange.

 

rewriting

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editing

 

the author

God has already defined us.  He has already called us beautiful, chosen, treasured, crowned, adopted, redeemed, fearless, wanted, desired, unique, delighted in, seen, gifted, needed, courageous and so much more.  And yet life has happened.  And the voice of the enemy, through the voices of others, through our own narrative, through the events of our lives have crowded out those truths.  Today, we embark on the mission to reclaim our crown and all its glory.  To pick up the pieces that have been stolen from us, that have been tarnished and marred, that we have discarded through our own actions.  We have experienced our world, our truths, ourselves thru our eyes, and our eyes have often deceived us.

In the world of Psychology there are a million resources to help you re-write your story.  To guide you on a path of happiness, to help you see that you have the power to change your next chapter.  Those are good and valuable and I highly recommend them.  But if we stop there, if we focus only on what we want to be true of our lives, then we miss God.  God wants a hand in rewriting our story, in fact, He is the  author of our story, and he’d like us to stop reading between the lines, adding our own broken narrative and return to the source.

Would you like to go on a journey of rewriting your story with us?.

A Journey of Truth

The Crowned Box, the first in our series, will walk you through a deep look at what God thinks, feels, and says about you.  We will take a hard look at all the things in our lives that we allow to define us and distract us from that truth.  Put together by a  team of women who have served in all areas of ministry, this is the box we all wish we had had. 

The box will take you on an exciting journey, through the joy of God’s promises, the hard work of reclaiming that which was lost, and moving forward.  

find out more

 

shared

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shared stories

 

Our Stories

 

I suspect, my story isn’t all that different from yours.  While the details may vary, it’s a tale of wounding, of abandonment, of abuse, of not being enough or being too much, it’s a story of striving to earn my place, of pursuing love in all the wrong places, of searching for acceptance in the world, of career challenges, bad decisions, financial mistakes, parenting mistakes, and oh so many broken relationships.  But it’s also a story of redemption and salvation, a story of hope and healing, and story of learning to silence the accusation of the enemy and to walk in God’s truth.

We’d like to invite you on a journey of sharing our stories with each other and with Jesus.  He has so much He wants to say to all those broken places. 

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A Journey of Truth

The Crowned Box, the first in our series, will walk you through a deep look at what God thinks, feels, and says about you.  We will take a hard look at all the things in our lives that we allow to define us and distract us from that truth.  Put together by a  team of women who have served in all areas of ministry, this is the box we all wish we had had. 

The box will take you on an exciting journey, through the joy of God’s promises, the hard work of reclaiming that which was lost, and moving forward.  

find out more

His

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A Special Possession

1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 

One of my special possessions is my china, even though I know it really isn’t a thing anymore.  It took me years to collect it.  I have 16 settings and all servings platers and bowls.  I take extra care of it.  I love to get it out and use it.  Yet I treat it with extra special care and I would be heartbroken if any of it got chipped or broken.  My china can’t even compare to how special we are to God and how heart broken he gets when we are hurting.  You are God’s special possession.

You are so special to our God.  He loves you more than you can possibly imagine and it has nothing to do with what you have done.  It is because of who you are.  He adores you right now and always.  

Jackie is an irreplaceable member of the FZ team.  Serving as the Board President, a regular volunteer, and with and extensive church service history of  ministry to women, her heart & soul show in everything we do.

 

 

More Info

 

This is a excerpt of a session from our “Crowned – unboxing my identity” Journey Box.”  We would love to invite you on this journey with us as we walk into all the challenges we face in this thing we call Identity, and then silence the noise and allow our Father to speak to our hearts, minds and souls, the truths He most wants us to here.

 

Courage

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Be Safe?

Nowhere in the Bible is there a command to be safe.   Let that sink in. 

I recently had the privilege of attending a worship conference, and this was mentioned by one of the speakers.  Honestly, it startled me a bit.  I am a mom, wife, and friend.  I tell people to be safe hundreds if not thousands of times a year.  To be fair, the bible also doesn’t command us to be stupid or careless, so in many of those cases, especially when it comes to my children, “be safe” is actually code for don’t do anything “stupid,” but the statement got my attention anyway.

Imagine as Moses’ mother sends him down the river in a basket, ultimately to be picked up and raised by the very evil that threatened him to begin with, if she had been unable to follow through because she wanted to be safe.

Or if  Jehoshaphat had been unable to follow God’s command to send in the worshippers first because he needed them to be safe.

Or even the arrival of Jesus, there was nothing safe in sending Jesus while all first born sons were being killed.

And then of course, Jesus’ instructions to the disciples, in Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” and be safe?   Nope, it doesn’t say that.

Safety does not appear to be a primary concern in scripture. In fact courage is mentioned considerably more.  Add in statements like do not be afraid, or be bold, or be steadfast and that number expands considerably.

And all that left me pondering the way I approach things.  I stand by my earlier statement, that not being commanded to be safe is not the same a being commanded to be careless, danger seeking, or stupid, but I admit I had to wrestle with this.  Safety in and of itself is a lie.  When I say be safe, or when I act in a way that I think is safe, I am assuming that the other person or myself actually have the ability to keep us safe, but the truth is we do not.  Our limited knowledge, our limited perspective often actually mean that we hide in safety and completely miss what Jesus is trying to do.

 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Have Courage!

So today, I am consciously choosing to say have courage.  Be cunning.  Use wisdom.  Follow Jesus.  Truthfully that is the only safe place, whether in the midst of battle or times of peace, safety is found in the path that Jesus takes us on, even when it doesn’t seem safe at all.

So that thing you’re facing… the ministry challenge, the difficult relationship, the dream that is taking shape, the tough decision, the hard conversation, the vision you have, the mission you are a part of, whatever it is…. have courage, be wise, follow Jesus, forget safety. 

Finding Zarephath is on a mission to encourage, equip, and celebrate women in ministry.  If you need prayer, someone to talk to, or resources, please contact us at admin@findingzarephath.com

Narrative

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Narrative

my Story

I was in first grade.  She was our new German Teacher.  My mother was German, I already spoke German.   She introduced herself to the class and then began to go around the room asking each student to answer a question about themselves.  I wanted her to like me, to connect with me, I wanted to figure out how to tell her I was German too.  And then the moment came, she asked the students ahead of me what their mothers’ names were, and my little 5 year old heart was ready.  My mom has a very German name, I thought, “when I tell her it she’ll know.  And suddenly it was my turn and with all the pride a 5 year old can muster I loudly said my mother’s name.   I was right, she instantly responded to the name and my pronunciation of it, “that’s a very German name,” she said, “and you pronounced it so well.”  I beamed, but then it happened, she said “thank you and nice to meet you,” and called me by my mother’s name.  Somewhere in the moments before my turn she had changed her question, I didn’t hear it because my excited heart was gearing up for my moment.  She didn’t ask me my mothers’ name, she asked me my name and now I had told her the wrong name….

And so it begins… a narrative is formed.  I am stupid.  I am a liar.  I must cover it up, I can’t let it show, if they only knew…..  but God saw something different, check out our Journey Box – “Crowned – unboxing your identity” to hear the rest of the story..

A Journey of Truth

The Crowned Box, the first in our series, will walk you through a deep look at what God thinks, feels, and says about you.  We will take a hard look at all the things in our lives that we allow to define us and distract us from that truth.  Put together by a  team of women who have served in all areas of ministry, this is the box we all wish we had had.  Something to remind us that today’s challenges are not all encompassing or eternally defining.  The box will take you on an exciting journey, through the joy of God’s promises, the hard work of reclaiming that which was lost, and moving forward.  

find out more