As we continue to move through the month of February, it seems like a good idea to shift from loving others to loving ourselves.  I don’t know about you, but I haven’t spent nearly enough of time in my life searching my own heart and assessing my own health.  Life happens, busyness happens, demands happen.  Even after the major shifts in our world in 2020, if we simply live reactively instead of proactively, our own care will fall by the wayside.

Ever felt lonely in a crowd, isolated but not quieted, sad in the midst of laughter. How about fearing failure even while being praised, feeling like you aren’t wanted even while being searched out?   Of course you have.  We all have.  We spend much of our lives searching for and striving for others’ approval, but the cup that we fill with the voice of others, is a shallow one.

The truth is our heart is a deep well.  It is meant to hold the holy and the sacred.  It is meant to be filled with the perfect love of God.  The voices of approval from others, can only satisfy it for a moment, we can spend our whole life trying to fill it with other peoples’ opinions, words, wants and needs, but it won’t even make a dent, it’s a short rain in the drought, feels good in the moment, but it will not nourish barren ground. 

Perspectives – Ours, Theirs, Gods’

As we weave our way through the month of February and specifically this week as we head towards Valentine’s day, I wanted to take a moment and do a heart check on how we are doing in our most important relationships.  With this topic in mind, I’ve asked my friend Craig to share some of his wisdom.  Craig is a pastor, counselor, and student of personalities and behaviors.  He has made me question my thoughts and assumptions on way too many occasions, and in one of my hardest seasons was the constant in pushing me to allow God’s voice to be the loudest voice.  I hope you embrace his simple breakdown of what it means to understand the different personalities of those we love, but also how we can apply that to knowing our Jesus better, and in doing so, step closer to the life we are looking for.

Communication & Perspective

In my experience doing couples counseling, the two main problems I see are communication and perspective. The communication piece is obvious. No couple communicates perfectly and those problems can spiral. Most couples know that they are not communicating as well as they could, but they take little time to go deeper on the why, other than, ‘it is my partner’s fault’.

This is where perspective comes in. Perspective is the overlooked root of problems for couples, of problems at work, of stress and frustration, and of spiritual problems. If we do not understand ourselves and do not understand how others look at the world and do not understand how God looks at things, then our lives will be filled with frustration, stress, burn out, and perpetual conflict.

Understanding Ourselves & Each Other

In couples counseling, I always start them with concepts from the Myers-Briggs. I have found that a few questions and discussion is much more accurate than the MBTI itself and allows the individuals to start to understand their perspective and communication styles as well as how differently the rest of the world might think than them.

I start with, “Where do you get your energy from?” If, after a long week, a person recovers by being by alone, how much does that explain about what happens when they are around too many people in a week or why they get so upset about being dragged to another social engagement? Also, how important and refreshing their private relationship with God can be in a world that has mostly extroverts, many of whom might perceive that introvert as ‘stand-offish’. If, after a long week, a person recovers by being around people, how does that inform their fears of loneliness and isolation? Maybe they feel trapped when their partner will not go out with them. Perhaps they need others around to do their best work, to feel their best, to connect with God.

As they learn about the other person, the couple starts to realize that the communication problems were not just the fault of an unfeeling, uncaring partner. Maybe that other person just thinks differently, fears differently, is stronger and weaker than I am in different areas of their life. The new perspective starts to bring life, trust, and hope back to the relationship. The person becomes more aware of how to care for themselves and how to strengthen old ways to connect to God and be challenged in new ways.

As we continue through the Myers-Briggs concepts, that insight deepens. Intuitives like hypothetical questions, abstract concepts, and always want to know the ‘why’ behind things. They can be challenged in relationships by people that do not give enough information and challenged spiritually by being pushed to figure EVERYTHING out. Sensors like their information more concrete, action-oriented, and based upon what is proven to work. Intuitives annoy them when they meander and do not find the point fast enough or when they explore hypotheticals that are not based in reality. The realization of how both types take in information and how differently other people take in information helps them to be more accepting with each other, more focused in how they problem-solve, and more able to love the other person through their words.

The third spectrum of the Myers-Briggs is about how one prioritizes values. Thinkers start to realize that they can get too caught in the rules and often their rules are different than the rules everyone else sees. Feelers start to realize that they may toss out the rules too quickly for a good sob story and that they have their own interpretations of the rules that they believe everyone should share. Both sides relate their perspective to the rules they put on their partner and the rules they believe God is putting on them.

The last spectrum is about how one organizes their life and decisions. It is also the easiest one to determine. People with messy desks are almost always Perceivers and the mess coincides with the vast number of back-up plans and variables that helps them to be more spontaneous. Judgers usually have neat and orderly workspaces. They also tend to make decisions quickly, though they can get too attached to their plans and dislike when more variables come in. This is often the one where people realize that the Myers-Briggs helps define preferences, not principles. Just because one prefers more structure and the other prefers more spontaneity, does not mean that they can demand it, of their partner or of God.

Inviting God’s Perspective

The progression for couples counseling often starts with talking about communication and then turns to perspective. This helps people to see the problems, but then see their contributions to the problems. But for sanctification and growth, the progression is reversed. We start by seeking God’s perspective, His perspective on those around us, on our worlds, and on our worth and value. When we seek God’s perspective that leads us to communication with Him. We want to know more about His heart for us, His plans for us, how He wants us to thrive in environments and relationships that do not always match our preferences and comfort zones.

But when we walk into these things, into this communication, it starts to mend us as people. It starts to mend our ability to love and trust our relationship partners. It begins the process of mending our view of ourselves as broken and fallible followers of God and changes it to uniquely designed and uniquely loved children. If we can focus on the perspectives of God and others and learn how to communicate better with those around us, I think that we will find that burnout moves further away, stress decreases, frustration dissipates, and our relationships with God and people start to blossom, in ways we never thought possible.